The lesson for this race was that no matter how low you are, no matter how far down into the darkness you get…you ALWAYS have the power to climb back out of that hole!

My first 100k was set to be a blast from the start. All 3 of us…Billy, Ty and me were running it and I got so excited simply by that fact. I went into the race knowing that if it did all go downhill (which I admittedly feared having had some trouble in the Cactus Rose 50 miler) and I broke down, I’d have people there to inspire me to keep going and finish.

Somehow, deep down I knew I was going to finish. It was just a matter of wondering how well I would do. Initially I set a goal for myself of 12 hours thinking that with an extra 12 miles that was just about on-pace with my performance in the 50 miler. Self-preservation was another goal and I told myself that I would try to make my loops closer in time and work on my pacing…

FORESHADOWING ALERT!

The day of the race I set about my typical pre-racetime morning routine. I had gotten up a few hours before the race knowing I needed to get a lot of calories in to start well. I had my morning coffee (2 cups), about 4 bananas and OF COURSE my peanut butter pancakes from Snap Kitchen here in Austin. Soon we were off to the race…Billy and Kat had stayed with Courtney and I in a house downtown in Bandera. It was nice having everyone together to chat about our excitement the night before and the whole way to the park. It started getting real and the nervous jitters were definitely starting to bubble up in my stomach.

We got to the park and started our other silly ultramarathoner pre-race rituals…which usually consists of doing calesthenics up and down the parking lot…there were lots of people joining in so we didn’t look too crazy. A few nervous poops later (also very common in the running world) and we were standing at the start line ready to go.

As the runners and organizers counted down the seconds to the race everything snapped into focus. I had trained pretty well for this event, I had my strategy, I had my calories, I WAS ready. Soon we were off and on to the first set of hills. I was tempted not to head out with the lead group but as Ty was next to me and just as excited I soon found we weren’t far behind them. As the terrain became more rocky and the incline increased I was so “in-the-zone” I hadn’t realized I quickly lost Billy and Ty somewhere in the first few miles. I immediately thought to myself “Am I moving too fast?”…”Should I not be running these hills?”…I felt great so I figured if I started to really feel fatigued I’d back off.

First stop down and then another…things were going great. I had never felt faster in a race and I was keeping up with national elite ultramarathoners. This couldn’t last I thought. Just as I started to doubt myself I came across the 2 women in the lead of the race. They were chatting away at a pretty fast pace…I jumped into their conversation when they welcomed me coming up behind them. We talked for a good 15 miles….about what…I don’t really remember. But then, just as fast as I had caught up to them…we came to a big incline and they were gone…like billygoats running from a mountain lion uphill. I was alone again…and this time…I was alone with a body that was starting to scream at me.

Quad cramps dominated the next 25 miles of my run…by mile 20 I was nearly screaming in agony at the pain. Since I was running this first loop by feel this immediately translated into the belief that I was horribly over my time goal. I kept hearing, “You’re doing great! Your splits are really fast!” but would blow it off as the familiar encouragement you always hear at the aid stations. Nonetheless I would only stay at the stations long enough to fuel back up and head on my way…as the pain was starting to make me feel like I was breaking down.

I got to the last 5 miles of the second loop and hit rock bottom emotionally. At the top of the ridge as I ran across to the other side where the last descent and finish were, I was drained mentally. I started to build negative, self-defeating thoughts as I neared the finish. Tears were running down my cheeks…whether from the quad cramps or the realization that I may have to drop out, I wasn’t sure. As I finished the first loop a surprise awaited me when I saw the timer…I had run the first loop in 5 hours flat! A time that if I had been running the 50k would have put me in the Top 10…NOT what I was trying to do!!! An exciting acheivement for sure BUT, HOW was I going to pull another 31 miles out of these legs???

At the end of the first loop I had convinced myself I couldn’t go on (but had not told the crew). Courtney and Kat were there and as supportive as ever. Even some friends from boot camp had just finished the 25k and stopped by to tell me how well I was doing. Their words got me excited to at least see if I could make it back out there and get past 50 miles (the most I had ever run). So reluctantly I dragged my tired aching body back out and told myself, “Just make it to the next aid station and you won’t want to quit.”

That philosophy worked…for a while…

The quad cramps continued…and it wasn’t until after the next station that I felt like I was ever going to even finish. When I stopped at Mile 40 my attitude was in the toilet…I didn’t want to continue…but I was quiet about it. As was the case throughout the race though I kept telling myself, “Ty still hasn’t caught you yet” and it was the main motivation for me to continue. This time I stayed a little longer…I was still in pain but because I had dealt with it for 20 miles I think I just became numb to the cramps. I ate a banana and this time drank some chicken broth. I’m not sure what it is about trail races but chicken broth tastes like the most amazing thing in the universe during a race. Maybe it was all those times being sick as a kid and Mom making you soup? In any case I profusely thanked the volunteer who offered it to me.

On the next leg I was starting to realize that I may actually finish. I didn’t think too much about it but instead just went into “robot mode” where I ignore my thoughts (positive or negative) and find my zen state. It seemed to work in allowing me to forget about the cramps…wait…or were the cramps leaving? They in-fact were…by the last mile of this leg I hit the pasture coming into the next station and looked down at my watch (which I finally put on at the last aid station)…lo and behold I was running an 8 minute mile…I must have gotten rid of them! I blazed into the aid station and Courtney greeted me with, “What are you doing??? Slow down!” THAT got me excited that I still had the ability to do this!

As soon as I realized the cramps were gone my attention immediately focused on beating my goal of 12 hours. I knew that if I could just continue to feel good I was perfectly able to do this. The feel good vibes continued as I started to talk up some of the other racers who were by this time also running at a much slower pace. We shared our stories of woe and where we felt we went wrong. Everyone was in good spirits. Hearing that other runners were battling with nutrition, pace and cramp issues brought my state of mind around. I knew that I hadn’t failed as much as I previously thought. And I felt good so I kept pushing.

Another aid station had come and passed. I was beginning to think more and more about my goal but also about where Ty was. The competitive side of me became my motivation for pushing forward despite a growing fear that if I was ahead of Ty he was either not feeling well and I was running too slow to break 12 hours or I was running too fast and may fail completely. I continued to battle the self-doubt that was telling me I couldn’t succeed.

The last aid station in this race is called Last Chance. For a number of reasons…one because it’s the last opportunity to get supplies and fuel up…another because it’s only 1/2 mile from the lodge so it’s literally a last chance to drop out. By the time I reached it I was back in race mode. The doubts were starting to shrink until I saw Ty’s dad there and he told me I only had about an hour left before I would hit 12 hours. This got me REALLY worried. BUT, I told myself THIS is my last chance to beat my goal.

The last 5 miles of this race are definitely the hardest. One of my campers, Chris, warned me about it. She told me that if I didn’t leave something in the tank for the two huge hills in the last five that it could be my downfall. Obviously with my pace setting issues I had not listened to her very well. But there’s a certain energy that bubbles up (from where I’m not sure) when you know you have a chance to beat your goal…and you’re still ahead of the person you’ve always looked up to. So with determination I set out for the last five…looking behind me every 5 minutes…sure I was going to see Ty barreling down on me.

Somewhere a fire was lit underneath me. The first hill is immediately after the aid station and I powerhiked it knowing I needed to conserve still. When I got to the top I pushed myself to run hard. I was at the top of a ridge with nothing around me but pitch black and rocks upon rocks. At some point during this leg you honestly don’t even touch soil for what seems like miles at a time. By the time I reached the next hill I was completely back to my zen state and had run half the hill before I realized I was there. That was confidence building and I decided to keep pushing. Just as I crested it another confidence builder arose…I was gaining on other runners. Some just slowing to a hiking or jogging pace, another doubled over puking. Once again perspective allowed me to realize that I was in much better shape after 57 miles than I could have been and I WAS going to finish and there WAS still time to beat my goal.

I decided not to look at my watch at the beginning of this leg but now I was tempted to see how much time I had. I looked down and saw that it was 7pm already…this pushed me to run even harder and I started to bomb the downhills as I reached the other side of the ridge. The end was in sight…but I had no idea how many miles I had to go. With the pitch black and not having had a watch for most of the race I didn’t really know where in the 5 miles I was. Sometimes the fear of the unknown can be your driving force for success. It was definitely true in this situation. I picked up my pace again…this time looking down at my watch and THEN behind me every 5 minutes. I would round a bend and then struggle with polar opposite beliefs that I was near the end or nowhere near the end. Was Ty going to catch me? Was I going to see a light down the trail the next time I turned around? I did this for what was probably the last 2 miles of the race…over and over again. I was literally starting to lose my mind.

Then the familiar Jeep road we had started on came into view. I looked at my watch again…7:14…I was going to do it! Just don’t fall, don’t pull a muscle, don’t get sick, don’t cramp up and I was going to beat my goal.

I once heard Scott Jurek (a famous ultramarathoner) speak of a phenomenon where your mind realizes it no longer needs to keep pushing you and the reality that your body wants to shut down immediately overcomes you. It often happens when the finish lines comes into view and the built up stress that keeps you going is finally released. Well, it happened. As I finished (11 hours and 48 minutes) and crossed the timer mat my legs finally gave out. I fell to the ground…looked up and there was Courtney and Joe Prusaitis…both asking if I was alright. Joe thanked me on a great effort and handed me my Bandera 100k belt buckle.

It was over…and I never felt so accomplished in any other athletic achievement in my life!